Dammit! Really! How OLD am I? The answer is 35 and I just SHARTED. Its December 31st 2016 and I SHARTED. 2 kids, breakfast, writing blogs, tired as HELL, I had not the faintest idea that I had pooped in my pants. Dadlife punch in the face! You may laugh, and go right ahead because I am laughing hysterically as I write this, but weird stuff happens. And any more I have No Shame!
It was what you would call a normal morning in our house. Our oldest daughter (Biggie) has to be escorted out of the room by7amevery morning so mama and our youngest daughter (Smalls) can sleep for a few hours. She has been up for the better part of an hour nursing/reading/wreaking havoc on the bedroom. My poor wife has been tagging in and out from child to child since about midnight. Keeping 2 asleep for more than 10 minutes is a crazy challenge most days.
So I took Biggie downstairs to watch one of 4 movies the thousandth time. LatelyThe Secret Life of Petsis the one we are memorizing. We have a serious routine in place. The 3-2-1 Go turn on of the Christmas lights. Biggie starts terrorizing the bookshelf/pulling out all the diapers and wipes/eats breakfast/draws on the walls/reads all the books/eats randomly while walking around and babbling to me about what to do. It basically feels like the goal is to keep a very drunk little human from killing herself. When you add another small person to the picture the wheels can come off the bus in no time. Today I saw this having only 1 child to manage as an opportunity to get a few blogs written whilst making my coffee. She was pleasantly busy doing non threatening activites, so I saw some moments to take advantage of.
Amongst trying to put a rational thought together through the fog of toddlerdom I had to choose whether or not to trust a fart. So logically as a 35 year old man, with a decent amount of experience, I did. And all was good. I went on writing down what I can imagine where disconnected wanna-be ideas. Biggie was terrorizing all things put away, and I decided to get up and pick up a few things. Then it hit me, maybe 20 minutes later. I am not really sure of the time, due to plenty of distractions clearly. What I thought was a trusted fart, turned into a terrorist of a turd. I F***ING SHARTED! Awhile ago!?!? And I didn't event know. How is that even possible?!? 2 kids and the holidays.
So then not to take this blog to a place of too much information but that is kind of the premise of the whole thing. I went into the bathroom to assess damage and try to bring myself back into the world of wearing clean pants, and what do you know my toddler follows me in the bathroom as always. There is no sacred place anymore. They will find you, and ask questions about everything. So I had grabbed a pack of her favorite things baby wipes, and set to work. It was not an ego boost to hear my daughter say “wipe, wipe, wipe” atleast 42,000 times while I was in uncharted territory. I could do nothing but laugh, and laugh we did. My wife then had a good tear filled laugh as well.
I share this with you, to my own demise to let you in on the cloud that can be each day. The first month of having 2 children has been a very steep learning curve. We are doing it. Some days it fills like a 24 hr scramble to just stay afloat. The good new is goals for 2017 are pretty simple. Don’t SHART!!
2 years later commentary
I will gladly share this again in hopes that someone will find some clarity. 2018 is winding down and I am still clean for those of you pondering the obvious. I originally was a bit apprehensive to post this blog due to, well the nature of the post. But I wanted to share with you to illustrate the true fog that we were in for the first well year or more of having 2 children. If it wasn't for entries like this, and a slew of pictures I probably would have forgotten most of these things by now.
If you are out there in the trenches, know that you are not the only one, and there are plenty of hilarious stories to boot. Feel free to share yours in the comments if you feel so inclined. A lot of people ask, "Whats it like when you first have a second child?" and this is the reality. Sometimes it's shitty, literally. But don't let this steer you away from adding another little angel to your household. Having two has been the light of our lives and also the challenge.
If there is one thing I could offer, its to find a tribe. Find some people that have kiddos around you. If you don't have them in your immediate area, its surprising as to what you can find online. Between blogs like this, FB and Instagram there are plenty of people out there voicing their experiences, and sharing things that are helpful. After all sharing our stories helps others. All of our kids are exactly the same, and totally different.
Have a little humility and be ok with learning. We all have things we don't know, and we are all doing our best. If you don't know how to laugh at yourself, take this on, and run with it. Some days it literally has felt as if laughing has saved our lives.
Much love to all you parents out there with young ones. Your Rock Stars! I got a hug for ya. I hope this blog brought you a laugh.