There are a lot of moments that happened to me since I have become a father, that have changed the way I see the world. I believe that this is the case in all parents lives, but I can definitely speak for myself in this. The whole game is different.
First of all, the obvious, but not so obvious hits me all the time. This child is half me. I created another person. Holy Shit I am responsible for this human. I have to teach her everything. She doesn’t know anything. She has my eyes, she laughs like my wife. WHAAAAA?!?!?
My mom sent me a onesie that I wore when I was a baby. They other day my daughter wore that same “still” soft onesie. It is pictured above. At first it was cute, and it looked warm, then it hit me that I wore that. I looked at myself in the mirror, with a few years, a few more pounds, and a bit of height, and my daughter in my arms, so small and beautiful in my onesie. MindMelt
Then I think about my wife. What a wondrous being! I remember seeing her before we ever were together, and being so attracted to her. It was magnetic. I remember seeing her when she was “barefoot and pregnant” in the house, totally different, but even more in love. Then I watched her give birth to our daughter. Now THAT was a REAL moment in time. Time and Space did not exist in this moment, it was Primal, Raw, and Wondrous. I was still hopelessly in love, with 2 people now. Now I am a father, she is a mother, and we have a daughter. I have never been more in love with my wife and my life. But its different. Watching a woman go through these things and being by her side, you change. I changed, and will never be the same. All you know before, pales in comparison with what you will know after.
There are so many instances when I just need to stop and appreciate this life. These changes have been the best things ever to happen to me. I can’t wait for more. Life as a Dad is constantly mind blowing. Bring it!
Thoughts 2 year later
Still the most amazing day I have ever been a part of was the birth of not only 1 but both of my daughters. I was really actually worried that I would be able to love our second with the same intensity and passion that I love our first. And thats where Love brought me into the light. Love is not linear, love is not inside a container. Love is exponential. When you open yourself to loving someone, you receive exponentially. And damn have we been receiving over here.
To find the words for my respect and reverence of my wife, it would take many leather bound books, in many libraries. Watching your person literally make a child, and then bring this child into this world, and then feed that child, and care for that child with her body. I don't have words. Jaw on the floor. Heart Exploding. And then she did it again. Both births have tear filled stories which I have attempted to capture in blogs to come.
Both of our girls are uniquely quirky and magnificent. Daily they drive me crazy, and minute by minute they steal my heart over and over. I see behaviors in the younger that take me back to when her sister was our only. They play and my heart skips a beat. Wait till you see them hug, or read each other books. I almost cry every time. We have a few things from when I was a baby, and pictures of me in them. Now I carry my girls wearing my vintage jackets now in their size. They love my onesies, and fitting your brain around that is crazy.
With 2 little ones, life is crazy and it seems like we are always behind and have a million things to do. I find myself all wrapped up in the crazy, and then it hits you like a brick. STOP! These are the moments you will look back on. These are the best moments in life. A giggle from the belly of a little girl. "Papa give me a kiss." And I melt. These moments are nothing short of spectacular. Stay in a place in your life where you can appreciate them. Our kids are only around and little for so long. Don't miss it.
Your life changes. I like to think about it like your children continue the revealing of you. You see being a man, being a father requires different layers of you that you may not be in touch with. Believe me it will take you places in your mind, and in your body that you haven't been. It happens to us all. Always learn, always be humble, and always start with love. Immersed in change, its easy to act from fear. This is no place for a man to move forward from. This is no place to parent, or be a husband from. We must delve into ourselves and find the fear in us to know that its all a hoax. Its wholistically limited to your mind. You give it power, or squash it all together. Step into the light and move from love. Its in there for all of us, and we all need that version of you.
Record these moments in your life. You will forget. Journal, video, take pictures, for the love of God these are the days you will look back on, when everything is sagging. I wish you all the feels, and all the warmth that comes from having children. I am forever changed, and forever blessed from my experience. Cheers to being a father. Its truly the best.