Tears, Empty Space, and the Important Things

On Tuesday I took my girls to the airport and sent them off to the east coast without me. If you have ever sent your whole family away from you onto a plane you can share this sentiment. I was crushed. I sat in my truck and cried. A grown man, with one beautiful beard, fully in tears. This was not a strange result to me, but this didn’t help the blow. There was an uneasy feeling in my belly all day as I knew they were on a plane, and I could not be there to help if something were to go wrong. A long time ago I decided that if I could make it possible we would always travel together. Today this was not true. Finally in the early afternoon I received a text that informed me they had landed. Huge sigh of relief from this fella. You see I can’t bare the thought something going terribly wrong. I believe everyone has a glue that holds them together. The glue in my life is my girls. They give me purpose, they keep me happy, they warm my soul, they give me joy, and they hold me together. Through all the bullshit that goes down, and all the frustrations, they keep me anchored when I need to be, and they keep me sailing in the right direction, even in treacherous waters. This is a big shift for me, I have always subscribed to the "I am gonna do this because I want to" method. I wouldn’t really let anyone change my mind without a pretty compelling proposition. The funny thing about this change is that I don’t even miss the old me. I don’t have any inkling to ever go back, although I do heartily appreciate the journey to get where I am, and wouldn’t do anything differently. The past makes you who you are, it made me who I am, but it doesn’t dictate today. 

After I dropped the girls off on Tuesday about 5am I worked until the sun was diving for the horizon, then it was time to head home. Second blow to the soul came here. I realized that I have a learned helplessness since becoming a married man and a father. You see I married “UP” I married a woman that takes care of me our children and pretty much everyone. There are certain choices you make in your life that send your life in a soaring direction. Marrying this woman did this for me. So now I sit here realizing that I have not thought once about what the hell I am going to eat when I get home, and I just went to a local joint and grabbed some food by myself, which turned out to be quite peaceful, but all I could feel was the lack, the empty space that was present without my girls. I then proceeded to go home, and this one hit me hard. You see when I come home, I have a bubbly, magnificent 2 year old that runs to me while saying “Papa.” I can tell you these of all things might be my most treasured moments. I can’t orchestrate a collection of words to express this. I hope for you that you get this some day. But today, I walked in the doors to a seemingly dark cave. There was no one there. There was all of this stuff, that to be honest I could care less about. I looked around and thought “Shit, what is all this stuff!?” You see it all felt meaningless without my girls. It was the collection of these moments throughout the day that reinforced my deep down feeling of my feet being on the right path. And I mean the right path for me. Not in the sense of right and wrong, but in the sense of going in the direction you want your life to go. You see in this life, a lot of birds get in the proverbial cage. The parallel here is to lots of things on your/my plate, and lots of things happening all of the time, not number of humans in my house. I can see how you might make the mistake. Haha. Sometimes you just have to let some birds out of the cage and simplify things to check in with your self. My girls leaving that day was a huge blessing for me. It started out as a rough pill to swallow, but what it did for me was glorious. Extreme clarity in purpose and direction. 

Stay grounded in your family, stay grounded with your people. Life gets weird, and cloudy. True North is at home. Keep the important things "Important."